Skinny Love
by SkinnyLove16
Summary: Brittany always believed in soulmates. She believed people were destined to be together and that fate always made sure nothing stood in their way. But after falling in love with the wrong person and being teased with the idea that they loved her back she isn't so sure now. Brittany's determined to get what her heart desires but it seems as if fate isn't on her side this time.
1. Chapter 1

**Skinny love: **

**[Ski-n-ny lo-ve]**

**1. When two people love each other but are too shy to admit it but they still show it.**

**2. Love that's too skinny to survive. It's not properly fleshed out, and is doomed to failure.**

**3. When you're in a relationship because you need to be, but that's not necessarily why you should be in a relationship. And it's skinny; it doesn't have weight.**

_**Skinny love doesn't stand a chance because it's not nourished.**_

Sometimes I miss being young.

It was so easy for us back; the only thing we truly ever had to worry about was if anybody had been speaking about us behind our back and even then, the bitchy-ness only lasted a week. We were all free. And the most important part, I had you. You were in my life and I was happy; we were happy.

Looking back now, I could see why you acted the way you did. I made you uneasy, confused, and scared. I get it now. But the problem with being young was not that no one took us seriously, we were stuck between being treated like kids yet expected to act like adults, or the fact that we were TOO young to do most of the things that attracted our attention. No, it was the fact that we had absolutely no experience. We had no clue what to do in this big scary world by ourselves for the first time so we all assumed everything was meant to go our way.

I could so easily tell you where everything went wrong because I remember every second with you so clearly. You were my best friend and I don't think I would've been able to survive and become the woman I am today if you weren't.

When we were young I practically idolised you. But it wasn't just me. You were so wonderful that in some way everyone had looked up to you, even if they showed it in the worst ways. You was the girl who proudly wore her retainers every day around school, even if they gave you a lisp. You gave girls the confidence to do that as well.

You was the girl who managed to talk her way out of any situation and in some cases detention. You had the loudest yet most cheerful laugh I have ever heard in all my life and every time you laughed at something because of me, I felt a blanket of pride and glee cover me, with only one thought running through my mind: _I caused that laugh._

I always tried to make you laugh and most of the time it worked. You always stared at me with a loving look in your eye after you calmed down and each time my stomach twisted in knots.

But you was also the most caring person towards me and still to this day, I smile at your acts of kindness. I remember you telling me that when you first started at our school, I was the only person who was nice to you. I didn't believe it. "_Who wouldn't want to be nice to you?" _I would say but you just smiled and grabbed my hand, letting me know how much it cared in just one simple gesture.

After the first time you told me that, I started noticing more things. Like how you would act slightly more mean to girls if they even looked at us the wrong way. But the main thing I would notice was how protective you was of me. I was always a bit slow to understand things and many girls had picked on me before but after you came they stopped. They use to laugh at me and say rude comments but you always explained things to me before I could say anything. No matter who it was, if anyone hurt me you always made sure they paid.

I once accidently stumbled across you shouting at one girl after school. She had tripped me earlier that day and you glared at her, your jaw tensing. I managed to lead you away but I just assumed you would've let it go. I will admit you did scare me a little; you could be very vicious when you wanted to be. You was saying a lot of things in Spanish to her and I couldn't understand any of it. But one thing you said stuck in my head and I remember spending ages online trying to translate it:

_Aléjate de ella. Ella es mía. _Stay away from her. She is mine.

I never really understood that, I was yours? Whatever it meant made me extremely happy afterwards. You never knew I had overheard you though and I doubt that girl understood what it meant. Nobody else in our class knew fluent Spanish and they were all so narrow-minded to even ask where exactly it was you were from. Based on your skin and that fact you could speak Spanish they all assumed you were either Spanish or Mexican. It really infuriated you and every time they made a comment in Spanish class about the woman on tape being your relative, I wanted to hit each and every one of them for you.

However, you was also caring in little ways like gifts on my birthday. I remember you giving a necklace for my thirteenth. It was just a tiny jar with glitter in on a chain and the word '**hope**' on a cardboard slice the same size. You told me it was a jar of hope and I should always wear, especially when you weren't around. You always had a way of looking at the worst of things so I took it upon myself to be the optimistic one in our friendship; I gave you hope everyday so this was a little token to give me some back. I loved it.

You also cared for me as we started getting older and boys started becoming more interesting to everyone. Everyone except me. As I got talking to most of them I found the only thing running through my mind was what you would be doing, or what you would think about this conversation. Everything was about you!

Then came the awkward time when the school started offering 'drop box sessions'. They were supposed to be sessions at lunch time where you go and they offer sex advice, lessons or in some rare cases, contraception. When this started we found each other talking about sex more often. At the time I was dating a guy called Max. He was nice and we could have conversations but it seemed as if one minute we were talking, the next he was shoving his tongue down my throat and trying to get in my pants. He also acted a lot more arrogant in front of his friends, making little blonde remarks about me and saying how my jar of hope was a stupid idea and I should just bin it. He made me feel stupid.

When I told you about how he was, you immediately dragged me along to one of the drop box sessions and stay with me the whole way through. You probably knew most of the things already but the fact you stayed, just to help me, made me appreciate you even more.

That was the day it all started.

We went to your house that day and went to your bedroom as usual. Your parents were out so the music was loud, your window open and I remember just lying on your bed. Times like that were nice; we had no worries and could just talk.

We started talking about sex again and I told you I didn't understand **why**I had to be with Max. Not him specifically but why did I have to be with a guy? Was it an unwritten rule or did I actually have a choice? Because if I did I wouldn't want to be.

"So what? You want to stay alone forever?" You chuckled at that, the idea of me being single until I die. Any other time I would've laughed but not then.

"No. I'd rather be with you." I replied. You looked at me with such a shocked face I contemplated whether to start fake laughing and saying I was joking, but that would be lying.

You shook your head. "You don't know what you're saying Britt." But I did. I knew exactly what I wanted and how I felt.

"What's wrong with me liking you?" I sounded like a toddler but I didn't care. You needed to know Santana.

"We're girls. Nothing can happen." You sat up then and turned your back towards me. I felt as if you had smacked me; rejection was the worst. I stood up then and started making my way to the door when you grabbed my arm and pulled me back.

"Why'd you have to say that Brittany? Now you're upset and I feel bad." I didn't want you to feel bad so I just shook my head and smiled. You obviously didn't believe me so I sat down next to you again. It was clearly still bothering you what I said so I decided to do something bold.

"Santana." I called you and the moment you turned your head towards me I leaned in.

That was the first time I kissed you yet it certainly was the last.

After a few seconds you kissed me back and I knew you felt the same. You was just scared.

The next few weeks reminded me of a game. We would go around school, acting normal and still being just as caring towards each other as we usually would. But the moment we were alone it all changed. You use to call it 'getting our sweet lady kisses on' and I loved every moment of it.

I always got sad however, when I saw Max. I would feel guilty about what we were doing and sometimes asked you if you thought we should stop. But you explained how I started this.

"Besides, we're both girls. It isn't cheating." You made it sound so simple so I believed it was simple.

Then one day Max told me that we had been dating for a few months, I didn't even realise as most of my time was spent with you, and that he thought we should take our relationship to the next level. I knew what he meant and went to you in tears. The thought of losing my virginity scared me. Stories of blood and pain from the other girls made me want to keep my legs crossed forever. You had already lost it and I remember you complaining about how it hurt you at first and you didn't even enjoy it.

That was when you done the sweetest thing anyone had ever done for me. You said I could lose it to you. So that night we did and I didn't regret a thing about it. The next time I saw Max I went through with it and to this day I still wish I hadn't. He was rough and sweaty, not like you. You were so soft and caring. So gentle. He just made me feel uncomfortable. I soon broke up with him after.

You always made me feel good and so loved. You always knew what to do and how to make me better again. That was when I realised that I loved you. And judging by the way you acted around me, you loved me too.


	2. Chapter 2

**Lovesick:**

**[ lo-ve si-ck ]**

**A deep, often depressing, feeling of wanting to find love; to be longing for love; to be without a companion to share ones life with, though it is desired deeply.**

_**Lovesick is like homesick. **_

_**Homesick people are away from home but want to be home. **_

_**Lovesick people are away from love and want to be in love.**_

I loved a lot of things. Not big things but just small ones that most people take for granted. I love the smell of your perfume when we hug; the crinkle on your nose when you laugh; the way you sang for me when I was upset or ill. No one knew our secrets or the things we use to do for each other. We liked it that way.

After breaking up with Max I felt really evil after. Did every relationship feel like this? You sat next to me and just held my hand; we just sat there staring into space whilst you rub circles on my palm with your thumb. I could feel you getting worried but I didn't want to speak. During times of trouble all I wanted was to be held in the quiet. You knew this but I knew you. I knew you felt safer and more in control when you knew everything. So I took a deep breath and faced you.

"Britt I'm sorry but I have to ask. If you don't want to be with him then why are you so upset?" You looked away biting your lip and I wanted to hug you.

"I don't like being mean." Was all I could say. But you understood; you always understood what I meant. You relaxed and we hugged for a while. I could feel my heart pounding and I wanted to tell you that I loved you. But like I said, I knew you.

I knew you would be scared and would run away again. You don't know all the possible outcomes of loving me so you stuck with what you do know. So instead I offered to watch a movie with you and stay the night. You smiled and went to grab 'Aristocats' off your shelf. It was my favourite movie and always made me feel better, after you of course.

You stood up to go to the kitchen but not before giving me a quick peck and a smile. My heart skipped a beat and I wondered if this was what it would feel like if we were a true couple. All I could think about was what it would be like if we really were dating when you came back in. I leaned up against you and tried to watch the movie. But I kept getting distracted by the little things I love about you. The graceful way you moved your hand; your laugh during the songs reminded me of your nose crinkle, I called you my little mouse because of that, and the way you would stroke my hair throughout the whole thing. I turned my body towards you and leaned in again. You were confident now and we just got lost in each other.

I loved that night.

I also loved the next night when we got a meal together out in public. It wasn't a new thing, we always ate out but this time it felt different. It was the first time we were together for a meal since we first got together. I forced myself not to believe it was a date.

"So Britt, what are you eating?" We always got the same thing but it was just routine to ask.

"Lasagne, you?" You smiled and motioned to your favourite meal on the menu and I smiled. We sat there in a comfortable silence until our food came. That was when we started talking about glee club and our families and anything else we wanted to.

After we finished I sat back and rubbed my stomach. "I think I have a food baby!"

"I hope that's the only baby." You winked at me.

"Shouldn't you at least marry me first before you knock me up?" You laughed and I just sat there, watching you blissfully.

"Is this a date?" I blurted out. You stopped laughing and looked round making sure no one heard. You visibly relaxed when no one reacted around; my heart started to burn, were you embarrassed?

"Brittany you can't just ask that out loud in public! You know what people would say." You started to play with your napkin and I reached over and grabbed your hand. I felt you try to pull it back but I held on so you just placed a napkin over our hands. It didn't cover us but I didn't say anything.

"Why not? Santana, I like you and I know you like me so why can't we?" You shook your head.

"Because we're both girls; Brittany that's wrong." I felt as if you had smacked me in the face.

"Wrong? It's wrong? Am I just not good enough for you? Just a bit of fun to pass the time? Well screw this, I'm leaving." I got up and started to walk away, ignoring you calling my name. Hot tears streamed down my face as sharp as diamonds.

It had been a few days since the incident at the restaurant and the pain in my heart made it difficult to go places. I had never been far from you before; whenever you went on holiday we would always call each other. I spent most nights listening to some of the voicemails I had saved or the videos and photos I kept of you.

There was one photo I loved the most and always tried not to look at it a lot just in case it lost its magic but it never seemed to. It was a summer's day and we were sitting on a bench in the park. Your bright cream dress was flowing in the breeze and you had on your special smile, the one only I saw. The wind was blowing your hair forwards and I managed to capture that special moment. If I stared long enough I could swear I still smile the crisp wind and feel it flutter along my face.

I loved your voicemails just as much. It was rare I never picked up but sometimes I would be downstairs when you called or not have enough battery to pick up. People always called me the same thing. "_Hey Brittany; Hey Britt; Hey sweetheart." _My mum was the last one. But you always found new ways to say hi.

"_Bonjour moi petite croissant!"_

"_Hola me erotica taco!"_

"_Hey my single pringle."_

But there was one I loved the most. Your voice was so soft and sweet it sent shivers down my spine every time.

"_Hey Britt-Britt, how are you? Just called to say that I missed you. Family is driving me nuts so I really need you now. Call me when you get the chance, love you."_

I remember instantly calling you back and we feel asleep on the phone to each other. I missed you. I don't remember you saying 'I love you' as much afterwards.

You called me later that night. You already had the past couple of times at the same time but I never picked up before. Tonight I was desperate to hear your voice so I answered but I didn't speak.

"Brittany." Your silky voice brought tears to my eyes and I heard a sharp intake of breath on your end.

"Santana." I couldn't help myself.

"Brittany." I felt my heart leap again. I missed your contact; school had been horrible. People knew we were arguing as they could see we were apart but I felt as if it was harder on me than on you.

I **loved** you.

You always had other people, guys throwing themselves at you, girls begging for you attention.

"I miss you." You whispered. I truly wanted to believe that.

"I love you." I blurted out. You HAD to know. But what followed was not what I expected.


	3. Chapter 3

**Pain:**

**[Pa-in]**

**A hurt, some are bearable while others are not. Some physical pain and emotional pain is unbearable because when you were cut, it was deep, and it bleed, and it got infected, and it scared... it slowly kills you**

_**Pain is when something with a force is inflicted on you and either causes you to tear up, in other cases scream, but always the one who keeps it all in. **_

_**Sometimes, pain is caused by anger, a forceful emotion sometimes kept inside, causing you to possibly inflict this pain on yourself resulting in slight happiness, but for a small extent of time. **_

_**To sum it all up, pain doesn't make anything better for a lifetime, it's only temporarily.**_

Silence.

You didn't say anything and I was about to hang up when I heard you.

"Britt, you don't mean that. You don't love me."

That made me angry. You were treating me like a child who couldn't make up their own mind but I knew how I felt. I loved you with everything inside of me and I knew I always would. Everyone also thought I was a stupid girl but not once did I think you would have the audacity to make me feel as if I truly was.

"You're worse than they are." I hung up but I didn't move away from the phone. Silence filled my room and it wasn't until my mum came in that I loosened my iron grip on the device and ran into her arms.

You didn't call me back after that.

There were a lot of things you didn't do and I missed every single one of them. Sometimes I would see you walking down the hallway laughing at someone else's joke and I felt a pain in my heart. That use to be _me._ Did you already replace me?

It wasn't like I was lonely. I did have other friends that weren't you but that was the problem. They weren't you. I admired them a lot and even though they never knew the problem they always tried to make sure I was smiling but I just felt like I was floating on water. Drowning probable described it better. Everyone was shouting at me to get out the water but I couldn't, not without some help. And you was the only one who had a life buoy.

Weeks passed.

Months.

I started to lose faith in our reunion. My mum became my rock during that time and whenever she was there it was as if she was in the water with me except she could swim. She kept me afloat for a while until the tide pushed her away.

Then one day you disappeared. No one knew where you went but for a few days you just didn't turn up to school. People asked me where you were but I had no answers so they asked Shannon, the girl you had been hanging around with. She didn't know either. By the end of the week I was worried.

That night I was sitting at home in my room again. Mum had just left to make dinner whilst promising me I'd be happy soon. She didn't know the entire problem; she just thought we were in a normal argument like best friends have.

Then a knock came from the front door. I heard my mum shout, asking if I could get it. I trudged down the stairs and opened the door and stopped. There you stood. In the flesh and blood on my front porch. Then I noticed the tears down your face, the grubby clothes and how upset your whole body looked.

"Oh Britt, I really need you right now." Instantly I opened my arms and you collapsed into them. Somehow I managed to manoeuvre you upstairs and into my room. You were still crying so I enveloped you into me again and sat us down. You cried for a while and I just sat there, stroking your arm and comforting you.

You sniffled. "It-it's my dad. He's in hospital." The tears started again yet I felt like someone had thrown cold water onto me. I loved your dad, he was so funny and caring. He always made sure other people were okay before himself. If you lost him then the world would lose such an amazing person. You didn't say anymore.

We spent the whole night just lying together, worrying about what to do and how much time we had left. In hindsight that probably wasn't a good idea as we just lost a whole chunk of time with him but I feel we both needed it then. We just needed each other's presence.

The next day we decided to visit him in the hospital. On the way I bought some flowers and you smiled that secret smile for me. The sweet one that truly shows your vulnerable side. We walked the rest of the way there and by the time we arrived you was so nervous your hands were drenched in sweat. The lift ride was the longest thirty seconds of my life. I let you go in first and give him the flowers. A couple of minutes later you came back out and told me he wanted to speak to me. You weren't crying as bad as before so I nodded and only rubbed your arm as I passed.

Seeing him there so helpless gave me a scare. The light in his eyes had gone and his whole body just looked visibly tired. He was hooked up to so many wires, some as long as a month of Sundays. He looked broken. A little wheezy breath escaped him and he beckoned me closer with his hand. I etched closer and waited for him to speak.

"Take care of my daughter." He begged me.

I nodded. "I promise."

"Make sure she takes care of you too mi querida." I nodded again as a few tears dripped down. His whole body visibly relaxed at that. This only proved my earlier point; even while he was lying here, knocking on death's door he still made sure that we were going to be okay. I kissed his cheek and exchanged _thank you's_ and _I love you's_.

When I exited I hugged you again. We stood there in the middle of the hallway for quite a while, just revelling in each other's comfort.

He died later that day.

You went back to school the following week. We walked in together and just talked. I spotted my friends and smiled and waved at them. They all smiled back and one girl pointed at us two and gave us a thumbs up. I chuckled and you rolled your eyes but I saw the smile playing on the corner of your lips. Then I saw Shannon bounce over to us, her eyes only focused on you.

"Santana! Where were you all week? People have been asking." I liked Shannon. Her light brown hair flowed around with her recently dyed highlights, "_which she never shuts up about!"_ you told me, and her brown eyes always looked warm. But right then when she saw our linked arms they fixated on me and looked so cold I was scared I would freeze over.

"Sorry Shan but there's some things only a best friend should know." Understanding flashed on her face and she looked at me whilst gesturing for me to move away. I looked at you as if to say _Is she serious? _

"Shannon, Brittany is my best friend. Meaning the only person who needs to know right now is her. So sorry but we gotta go." You tried to edge around her but she blocked you way looking really annoyed.

"If she's your best friend where was she in the past few months?" you sighed and I shot her a look of disbelief. Surely no one could be this stupid. This also backed up what I always thought; people were so desperate to be your friend because you were as amazing as your father was.

"Respecting my boundaries. I pushed her away and asked her to leave me alone so she did. Best friends know when to hold you back yet they also know when to let you go. And right now Brittany's the only thing holding me back from smacking you and your ludacris logic of how I suddenly dropped Brittany for you." This was a lie. I was the one avoiding you but she didn't need to know that. We sat down then and you carried on talking to me making it evident to everyone listening that you wasn't going to announce your sudden departure.

I listened and was glad to have you back but a tiny part of me inside couldn't help but wonder if we were ever going to talk about what happened that night.


	4. Chapter 4

**Fragile**

**[ fra-g-ile ]**

**1. Easily broken, shattered, or damaged; delicate; brittle; frail**

**2. Vulnerably delicate, as in appearance **

**3. Lacking in substance or force**

**_It means it can be easily broken and so it has to be handled with care._**

Love. It was one of life's greatest mysteries and it certainly thwarted us many times. Every time we spoke about it we always wondered what it would be like and how would we know. For me I just knew. It wasn't like something big like Hollywood say it is; instead I just realised one day that I cared for you more than my own life.

Some days I still catch myself out and ask "_Is this what it feels like? Waiting for the next move with a rushed heart beat; having to keep reminding myself to breath; watching you everywhere and smiling. Always smiling." _

There were times where I felt like I wasn't enough for you. You were as fragile as a snow flake and instead of being the wind that drifted you on I became the three year old trying to catch you with grubby hands. But that was when you were alone; with other people you were fierce.

One snowflake is delicate yet many are a force to be reckoned with. A whole snow storm could ruin your day and with other people that was a possibility every time. But one snowflake was special and unique. It could be destroyed by the heat of your hands however if you let it be and closely observe you can see the one of a kind arrangement the ice crystals are positioned to make this tiny piece of magic.

You were exactly like a snowflake, though I would never admit it out loud.

And right now was one of those times where I felt like my hands were melting you. Your father's death shook you up even more than you expected and for what seemed like a long time I was the one carrying you around now, you depended on me and I had to be the leader. I had to be strong.

It made you uneasy for me to leave you alone even for a few seconds. You said it was because you didn't know where I was going or if I was going to come back. Because of this we always spent nights together either around mine or yours. I didn't mind and you were just happy to have me there, keeping you from breaking.

But eventually it was evident everyone had had enough. More people started showing that they thought you were being pathetic now but you didn't react as you would've before. I had to be the one with the sharp tongue now. It was weird for me as well. Before I always thought I needed our friendship more than you did but seeing you like this now I worried that one of the many thoughts swirling round in your brain was that one.

So I sat you down and told you all the things you needed to hear.

"Your father wouldn't want you moping around forever."

"People need time to grieve." You replied.

"Yes but not the rest of your life! He would want you to go on and do something of yourself, make him proud." You turned away and I waited silently for you to say something. Instead you just pulled me down and started kissing me. We hadn't kissed since before our argument so I was confused as to why you wanted to now but that didn't stop me kissing you back.

Suddenly I felt your hand on my leg and I knew what you wanted. I pushed you away and sat up at the end of the bed. You looked so hurt but I was mad. How could you?

"Brittany, what are-?" I stood up and tried to leave but you grabbed me again so I refused to look at you.

"Britt, where are you going? I need you right now. You're my best friend." Your voice broke at the end and I knew you were crying.

"Well maybe you need to re-think what that means." I turned around and glared. All I wanted to do was leave and hide but you refused to let me leave.

"Britt I thought you wanted this."

"No Santana. Not after every time you decide to hurt me and then crawl back, ignoring my pain all over again."

"You're over-reacting."

"That's the thing about love; makes you do crazy things." Your eyes widened and you fell back then.

"We ca-"

"Don't you dare say that we can't! The only reason that we can't is because you won't accept that you love me! More than you know," I could only muster up a whisper at the end, "So I can't keep staying when all that's left for me is more pain." You let me walk out then and I held my head high as the tears fell down. Before I left I heard one single sob escape your mouth and I swear it broke my heart into two then.

The only thing running through my head was something my dad use to tell me; _It seems the people we trust the most, are the ones who always hurt us the most._

A few days later I received a text from you at dinner.

_What are you doing Friday night?_

I hesitated before slowly typing out my reply.

_Nothing, why?_

_No reason. Just dress casual and make sure you're hungry._

Friday was tomorrow and the whole night I fretted about what you had planned. The next day you only smiled whenever I spoke to you and shrugged when I asked what we were doing. It seemed our whole ordeal had been forgotten. I promised myself I wouldn't let it be swept under the carpet for so long this time.

Friday night came and I was dressed in jeans and a plain shirt. My toes wiggled in my converses and I stared in my reflection longer than I wanted to. Was this too casual? Should I quickly grab my boots and throw on a lot of make up? Or am I going the wrong way and you just wanted to get a movie?

The doorbell rang and I grabbed my keys before opening it. You stood there in jeans and trainers too and I smiled in relief. You grabbed my hand and smiled back, walking me towards your car. It wasn't until I was strapped in and you started driving that you spoke.

"Ready for our first date?" It took me a minute to realise you weren't joking and I started squealing.

"Oh my, are you serious? We're definitely going on a date?" You nodded and I started smiling so big I was scared my face might break. You kept refusing to tell me where we were going and I kept talking about how happy I was. You laughed and smiled along with me but still wouldn't budge in revealing our destination.

"So what changed your mind?" I finally asked.

"I thought about what you said. A lot, actually. And I decided that you were right. No matter what my mum says or how much I'm scared I wanna do this. I wanna be with you in every way possible." My heart fluttered and I grabbed your hand as the car came to a stop. I looked up and saw our restaurant and smiled even more. We sat down and ordered as usual. Halfway through the meal you looked up at me; I could tell something was worrying you.

"Brittany, I just have one thing I want you to do for me."

"Anything." I promised.

"Can we keep this a secret? I don't think I'm ready for everyone to know." I nodded, getting you on this date was enough for me. We carried on eating and paid for the meal. I was expecting to go back home but you started driving us a different direction and I sat silently, waiting to see where we were going.

Then a few sparkling lights came in front of us and I saw a gigantic wheel above us. I instantly gasped and sat forward.

A funfair.

I always said I had wanted to go to one yet could never find where they were. I ran out of the car and you chased after me until we were standing in the queue for tickets. You grabbed my hand and I squeezed in delight. People around us didn't even give us a second look.

"Tonight's the last night it's here before they move to another town and I know you always wanted to go so I thought I'd take you." You smiled at me and I placed a small kiss on your cheek, enough to make you blush and look down. We paid our way in and immediately went towards the queue for the first roller coaster we saw.

After a few rides I was so excited and happy that I kept bouncing whenever I walked. You just laughed and held my hand. We decided to eat some cotton candy and I watched as a couple played the game where you have to knock over all the bottles to win a prize. The man won and his companion squealed when she received the stuffed bear. He turned round and I gasped when I recognised who it was. You grabbed my arm and stood next to me, angling your body so it was in front but not obviously so.

Max came over then when he saw us and you glanced at me when Shannon came as well. I didn't know they were dating.

"Hey guys, what brings you two here?" Max asked. He kept looking at me so I cleared my throat indicating to you I'd answer.

"We heard it was only here for one more night and decided to check it out." I smiled at him and watched as his face softened. Max was a nice guy; it was only when he was with his friends that he turned into an idiot.

"Shannon, how are you?" you asked. I knew you hadn't spoken to her since that day in school but I always told you to be more polite to people.

"I'm great. My **boyfriend** here just won me a prize. Isn't he adorable?" She smirked at me and I raised my eyebrow at how ridiculously obvious she was. That's not going to get me jealous. She wrapped her arms around his waist and he reluctantly held her. His eyes avoided my gaze and I sensed an awkward tension drifting about.

"Well we were about to go and try that game so we'll see you at school." I grabbed your hand again and smiled goodbye before running off. You had a frown etched onto your face so I decided to try and get rid of it. I paid for a go at the same stall we just saw Max and Shannon at and got ready to throw the balls.

I was never the best at this game but you started cheering for me and I wanted to get you that prize. I threw one ball and knocked down three bottles. You cheered and I felt my confidence rising. I hurled another but missed them. I had to get the last three with only one ball; suddenly I wasn't so confident.

Someone must've been looking down on me that day because I managed to push all three down with my final go and you screamed with joy and jumped on me. The man behind the stand chuckled and gestured at you to pick a toy. You pointed at the stuffed panda and after receiving it we decided to go on one more ride before heading home.

"Can we go on the Ferris wheel?" I asked and you nodded. We waited until a carriage became free and sat there in a comfortable silence. Once we reached the top and stopped for a minute I took your hand again and held onto it for my life.

"Can I kiss you?" I asked. I saw you glance down at all the people and realised how scared you were. You gently shook your head and even though I was disappointed I understood. You placed your legs on my lap and your head on my shoulder. We just laid there, wrapped up in each other until we reached the bottom again.

"Want to stay round mine?" You raised an eyebrow in question.

"I'd thought you never ask."

We drove back to your house and spent the whole night sleeping together in peace. It made me realise how much I missed you.


	5. Chapter 5

**Radiance**

**[ ra-di-ance ]**

**1. Radiant brightness or light**

**2. Warm, cheerful brightness**

**3. Rare**

**_It is the most beautiful thing to capture one's eyes. There is only one radiance._**

The next few weeks were filled with days spent with you. I wasn't complaining. Every moment with you was a gift and I treasured all our seconds together. After you finally allowed yourself to indulge in your feelings, everything felt different. More intense yet also delicate and special. When it was just us two you would be softer and more hesitant to say things or act in simple ways like hold my hand or stroke my arm. In front of people you put on a tough persona and refused to speak to anyone unless I was desperate to.

I know why you did this; it was your way of making sure we stayed secret and couldn't get hurt. The less people were involved in our business, the less chance we have of being found out. You missed your friends though, a lot more than you admitted. Shannon wasn't one of them; after the whole situation in the park you desperately wanted to go and 'speak' with her, (your talks usually involved using your hands and a lot of slaps). I didn't want you to get hurt or in trouble so you settled with ignoring her and getting a few girls to start a rumour about her.

We weren't always the most careful though. Sometimes I would find myself staring at you and whenever I did, Quinn would get annoyed.

"You never listen to me anymore!" She complained. I loved Quinn. If it wasn't for her, I would have never survived without you. So whenever she said this I felt really guilty and threw myself into the conversation with her. She wanted to make plans with us; you said no because you were worried she would say something about us. But eventually you found out how awesome she was and we saw a movie with her and her new boyfriend, Finn.

They were a nice couple and after talking to Finn I found out he had a gay brother. We both instantly became friends with him which made Quinn ecstatic. Sometimes I feel sorry for her, she never really had many friends because she was very shy and couldn't talk to people easily. The first time we met we just sat in silence next to each other because we were both shy to say something. Not the best thing to do when you're working on a project together. But suddenly we just burst out laughing at the absurdness of it and managed to have a small conversation.

One lunchtime we were sitting with my friends. I hadn't spent as much time with them since we got together and was feeling guilty so lunchtimes were a way to compensate for that. Even though you would never admit it, you liked them just as much as I did. I was talking to Quinn that day when she mentioned you.

"So you and Santana, huh?"

"What about us?" I asked.

"Nothing. It's just; when I watch you two it's weird. She's the biggest bitch I know but when she looks at you her entire face softens and she **never **says anything bad about you. She must really love you." She sent me a pointed look and I felt my palms start to sweat.

"I should hope so. We are best friends and if she doesn't then that's just awkward." I looked down at my food and waited for her to speak again.

"I know it's more than that though. Look Britt, I have no problem with you two dating. Unless she hurts you though, then I will cut a bitch." I giggled and relaxed a little. Quinn always had been my close friend since the day we met and a part of me wanted to tell her. But I knew you wouldn't be okay with that.

"Thanks but nothing's happening." I winked. She winked back and smiled before drifting into another conversation. I sat there just watching everyone, feeling so happy. A part of me was worried that after so much happiness I would be experiencing pain soon. But I reassured myself that that's not the way life works. Maybe after all this time, we deserved as much happiness as we could get.

Shortly after, we had plans to go out on the weekend. You wanted to go out to a Chinese restaurant and indulge yourself before coming back to mine. I couldn't wait. My mum knew you were coming round after but she didn't know we were dating. Again I wanted to tell her but you were worried she would call your mum or mention it to her one day so I kept it in. I was just bursting to show off that you loved me but I knew I couldn't. So I settled for our secret date nights.

Yet as the night came and I was getting ready I heard the shrill tune of my phone and I got a bad feeling when I read your name on the screen. Something wasn't right.

"Hey sweetie." I said. You coughed and the sinking feeling in my stomach deepened.

"Hey babe, I am so sorry but I'm going to have to cancel." You coughed again and I started to panic. You would never cancel unless there was no alternative.

"What's wrong?"

"I just have the flu and I've been feeling rough all day. I'm so sorry babe; I'll make it up to you. I promise." An idea popped into my head and I started smiling.

"Where are you right now?" I asked.

"At home in my bed; mum had to go to work so I have to suffer alone."

"I'm on my way." I hung up before you could say anything, grabbed my stuff and said goodbye to my parents. On the way I stopped into our local Chinese and paid for both of our meals. Your favourite always smelt weird and tasted a little funny; I hated it so much that on one of our dates, you refused to eat it saying I wouldn't kiss you because of the taste on your tongue. I chuckled and stuck a forkful of the disgusting food and swallowed it. After gagging, I kissed you and revealed that I would eat a whole tubful of your food just to kiss you.

When I reached your house I located the spare key from under a loose brick and let myself in.

"Santana, you here?" I shouted. You sneezed and I made my way towards your bedroom.

"Did you follow the trail of dirty tissues?" You joked.

"No I was guided by the sneezes." You cracked a smile and moved to the side in your mountain of blankets to make room for me. I placed the Chinese on your lap before walking towards your DVD selection and picking up your secretly favourite film: Despicable Me. You would never admit it was your favourite because it was too childish to be proud about (your words not mine).

I settled down next to you and just basked in your company. In a way, I enjoy being the one looking after you when you're ill. It made me feel stronger knowing you depended on me more than I did at this time. Sometimes you would deliberately make a bigger deal out of situations like this just so I could comfort you even more.

"Thank you nurse Brittany." You winked at me.

"Anytime patient Santana." I truly did mean it; anytime you needed me I would run to you.

"This is a great date Britt." You snuggled closer to me and I wrapped my arms around you.

"I try." You smiled that special smile for me and kissed me; and in that moment I didn't even care that I could catch your virus. I just wanted you to know how happy you made me feel.


	6. Chapter 6

**Beauty**

**[ Beau-ty ]**

**1. A fragile gift we all have the power of showing**

**2. The one thing that draws you towards her. The thing she cannot see herself, without your help.**

**3. Something inside the "beholder's" eye**

**_I brought her ten roses, nine real and one fake. I told her I would love her till the last one dies._**

Your voice always managed to give me chills. The softness of it, to the sultriness then the powerful runs you do. You always amazed me but your voice was something different. The only time you ever sang in public was for music class but when we were alone doing normal things like laundry or washing up you found yourself lost in a song. I always stopped and just watched you embrace the comfort of letting your voice go.

You liked it best when I would dance with you whilst you sang. You said the way my body moved was alluring and no one could take their eyes off me. I never believed you but I liked hearing it; you blushed afterwards and I found it even more cute. Sometimes I feel myself loving you even more than I thought was possible but you make it happen.

So when you announced to me via a note in my locker that you wanted to take me on a surprise date I couldn't wait. No longer was I melting in, instead I was blowing you along again. That night I told my mum I was staying at yours and she smiled. I felt the need to tell her again so I hugged her and left before I could.

The walk to yours was a cold one but when I texted you to complain you promised to hold me in your arms to warm me up and I started running the rest of the way.

"Britt, why are you panting?" You asked when I rang the doorbell. I held up one finger, indicating to give me a minute.

"I ran here." I managed to say when I caught my breath again. You laughed and scrunched your nose again. We were in the car by this point so I quickly kissed your nose before pulling my seatbelt. I heard you exhale quietly and realised that was the closest we had come to kissing outside our houses. I planned to change that.

"Where are we going?" I asked.

"Surprise." You winked at me as I pouted. You knew I was an impatient person and I hated surprises. Birthdays and Christmas were the worst!

"You hungry?" I shook my head and told you I was excited instead. We listened to the radio for the rest of the drive, making the odd comment. I enjoyed times like this. As much as kissing you is fun and going on date, the silence between us is always comfortable. Neither of us felt the need to exhaust every topic straight away and we weren't so co-dependant on each other that we needed to be around one another all day.

Eventually you turned into an old parking lot with pieces of litter fluttering around like a fly. The giant building in front of us was old and as dark as the night sky. The windows were boarded up with planks of wood and it look like no one had been inside in years.

"Are you planning on killing me here then ditching the body? Because I'd rather get through the date first."

"No, just lose you then take all the glory when I miraculously find you again." You winked and I laughed. That special smile etched its way onto your face again and my heart skipped a beat. The only thing running through my mind was that I loved you.

We cautiously walked in and made our way into a room with mirrors on the wall opposite. You walked forward and kicked the last few bits of rubbish to the edge of the floor. You twisted to face me and spread your arms out in a flourish.

"Welcome to the abandoned dance studio." You smiled and I felt my face soften.

"How did you do this? I mean won't we get in trouble?"

"My cousin is one of the builders in charge of smashing this place down. He told me that no one will be here tonight so he'll turn a blind eye if we use it. It's quite far out from home so no one we know will see us and even if they're here they can't see through the wood." I laughed and slowly walked over to you. You took my hand and pulled me closer.

"Dance for me."

"Only if you sing." I replied. You smiled once more and took a deep breath.

You started to sing 'A Thousand Years' by Christina Perri and I hugged you even closer. We started to sway in time with your voice and got so lost in it I could've sworn I could hear the piano in the background. I turned you around in a circle and we just danced like that for a while. Song after song after song. This bittersweet time with you was all I could ever hope for and I prayed with all my heart that soon you would say that out loud too.

We finished and you gestured for me to perform in front of you. I felt nervous but I liked making you happy so I imagined I was listening to one of the remixes I listen to at my rehearsal and felt myself just flow into it like I always do. The air rushed under my legs as I jumped into the air and I heard you gasp with delight as I came back down.

When I finished you ran straight for me and tackled me onto the floor. We started laughing and just stayed there for a few minutes getting our giggles under control. I rolled over until I was straddling over you and stared into your eyes. One of my favourite colours in the whole world are the colour of your eyes. Your eyes flickered to my lips for a moment then back into mine. I slowly leaned closer until our mouths touched and felt the energy between us intensify.

You wrapped your arms around my neck and pulled me as close to you as I could get. I placed my hands on the middle of your back. We were so delicate about where we moved that it felt like the first time I was kissing you again. No matter how much of a different person you are with me than the one you were in public, I wanted you to know that I loved both parts of you so much.

So that's what I did.

I showed you how much I loved you and you showed me so many times that I felt I was going to explode with feelings for you.

The only problem I had however was that no one knew. No one could ever know in your book and I didn't want that. A secret relationship is better than no relationship; that's what you thought. But when you kissed me again I pushed the thought away and pretended everyone knew and we were just a normal couple. Because that's what we were. Just a normal couple who hide everything from everyone we ever cared about.


	7. Chapter 7

**Betrayal**

**[ Be-tray-al ]**

**1. To turn on someone you trust, or to have someone do the same to you.**

**2. The most hurtful thing anyone can do.**

**3. To disappoint the hopes or expectations of**

**_Sometimes, the person you end up taking a bullet for ends up being the one behind the gun._**

It was that time of year when the whole world was looking forward to Christmas. Luminous red and green lights sparkled in front of every house and a light snow was settling a white blanket on the floor. It looked like diamonds whenever we walked and from a distance we could all smell the cookies families started to bake in hopes of spending quality time together. That was the time everything changed.

I had spent ages looking for the perfect present for you and could not relax until I found it. Hours were spent walking in and out of shops with Quinn hopping behind. I fretted endlessly because this year was different. This year we were finally together and I wanted it to be special. I planned on spending the rest of my life with you and one day I wanted to tell our children about our first Christmas.

So when I finally saw it, I knew it was the one. I dragged Quinn into the jewellery shop and stared at the specific item I wanted. Even Quinn gasped in amazement. The saleswoman came over and started telling us some facts about it but I was already bought. I had used the money I received from previous dance competitions to buy it and ran straight home to carefully wrap it. Never before had I taken such an effort to make it look pretty but by the time I was done and the bow was tied, I had seven paper cuts on my fingers. The look on your face would be worth it.

We agreed to swap presents a week before as we knew both our families would want out full time and attention closer to the day. We met in our favourite restaurant again and spent the majority of the time talking about how much we were looking forward to Christmas. When we finished I was wriggling in my seat with excitement; I couldn't wait to give you your surprise.

You went first and slip the packages over to me. There was two, one small box and a slightly larger one, both wrapped in purple wrapping paper with the words '_I love you' _written all over it. The tag said the same thing and I felt myself start to tear up at how far you had come.

I tediously slid a finger under the smaller one and un-wrapped it. A small turquoise box was revealed and I slowly peeled the lid off and gasped. A silver charm bracelet lay inside and I picked it up to examine it in the light. Three charms were already attached; a microphone, a heart and a ballet shoe. I looked at you and felt a single tear splash down my cheek. You were blushing and gestured to the present as you started to talk.

"I feel the need to explain. The microphone is to represent me as I love singing; the shoe is you and your love for dancing. And finally the heart is for all the days left to come for us." You winked and we both raised our glasses of juice in a toast. I un-wrapped the last one and exclaimed before covering it up again.

"You bought me underwear?" I whispered. You laughed and nodded.

"And a matching bra; red's your colour." You winked again and I started laughing at the absurdity of it all. The old you would never had done that and I felt a rush of pride run over me again.

"Open yours!" I begged and you delicately pulled the ribbon off and tore the wrapping paper off. You started to open the box but I placed my hand over yours and took it back.

"I want to say something first." You nodded so I took a deep breath. "Santana, you are my soul mate. I know you're not totally comfortable with people knowing yet but I need to say this out loud. I love you so much and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. So that's what this is, a token so we know what will happen. Because it will; we're destined to be together forever and live a happy life with kids and a big house and go full notebook and die together. So," I opened the box and slid it towards you, "Santana, do you promise me to go along with fate?"

Your eyes were fixated on the ring. It had a green diamond surrounded by two blue ones and I knew you would think it was beautiful. I remembered to keep my voice down so you wouldn't be worried about people hearing us yet you didn't say anything. For a few moments I was worried until your head shot up to me again.

"What am I doing? Of course I do! Gosh Brittany, you're so romantic! Who knew?" You gushed and placed the ring on your finger. I smiled and look into your eyes, knowing you were thinking the same thing: one day this will be a real proposal.

"Let's go home." I said and we took a slow walk back to our paradise in your bedroom.

A few days after, about three days before Christmas. I was making hot chocolate for my parents and me when Quinn texted me. She wanted to know if you and I would go on a double date with her and Dean. I quickly replied telling her I would ask you but inside I was dying to go. If we could do this then I would finally be able to show in public how much I love you and someone else would know.

I messaged you telling you about this invitation and you called be immediately.

"How does she know? Did you tell?" You sounded angry.

"No! All she said was that she wanted to go on a double date with us so I asked you. Maybe we're not as secret as we try to be."

"Well how would she find out?"

"I do look at you dreamily."

"Well you gotta stop looking at me Britt." I chuckled but knew you were avoiding the subject.

"Would it be so bad if one couple knew? I mean they're fine with us and treat us the same so why can't we?"

"Look Brittany, I just can't so please stop talking about it. The answer is no." That made me angry, what about what I wanted?

"I guess I'm just not good enough to be seen with you in public." I hung up and knew I was being childish but I was tired of hiding. It was fun at first to be sneaking around but eventually people get tired. Why couldn't you accept that and just let one person know. Not even my mum!

I went to bed early that night and it felt a lot bigger and colder without you here. Even when you were at your own house we would call each other and fall asleep on the phone together. Now it just feels lonely. Around midnight you sent me a text.

Brittany I'm sorry. I miss you. The truth is I think about you every night before I go to sleep and when I wake up I think of you just to keep me going. When you're not here in my bed I imagine you are actually here with me. With one arm around me and your legs touching me, then you kiss my neck and we fall asleep like that. It helps me sleep. I just want to spend forever with you but nights just have to do. So why not tonight? Is it because I'm an idiot?

I started to smile and felt warm all over. You were so sweet and goofy sometimes. I typed out a reply:

Come over.

I waited in silence for any indication that you received my text and you were on your way. When I was starting to give up hope I felt my mobile vibrate again.

Let me in.

I sneaked downstairs and quietly opened my door. We tip-toed into my room and you wrapped yourself in my bed and I wrapped myself around you and we feel asleep, feeling like everything was complete once again.

Christmas came and went and before we knew it, it was time to start school again. I hated it because it meant I was away from you more often but loved it because it was the closest I could get to being with you in public. We rode to school together and walked in like normal but something wasn't right. Quinn approached us quickly.

"Thanks for ditching us Santana."

"I beg your pardon?" Quinn may be one of my closest friends other than you but if it came to a fight I would always back you, I just don't necessarily want it to succumb to one.

"Brittany wanted to go on the date but you decided to be selfish and wouldn't let her. Why? You scared or something Santana? It's not like anyone's gonna kick you out of the closet or anything so why won't you let her be happy?"

"She is happy."

"Not fully. Tell her Brittany." She looked at me expectantly and you turned, looking so scared and vulnerable I didn't want to melt you again.

"I am happy." I looked you in the eye as I spoke and watched as you visibly relaxed. Quinn scoffed.

"Bullshit. You'll see Santana, eventually she'll get tired of waiting and you'll lose the best thing you're ever gonna get." She barged between us and walked away. It felt like she had placed a glass wall between us and I knew the only way to break it was to be honest.

"What a bitch." You folded your arms and I dragged you into the nearest empty classroom.

"She was right though; there is something I'm not fully happy about." You kept your distance from me before nodded your head, saying I should continue. "I want to tell someone. I don't care who but I want someone other than us to know about our relationship because we told them. Quinn doesn't count because she figured it out but one person can't hurt." You already started shaking your head.

"No Britt, I'm not ready."

"But that's the problem. You're never going to be ready! I can't even tell my mum because you're scared and she doesn't even talk to yours! What exactly is the problem here?"

"Nothing Britt, you know I like you.

"Yeah, like. You know not once have you said you love me unless it's on paper. Say it out loud."

"Brit-"

"Say it!" I was furious now and all I wanted to do was take it back and keep living in the dream that we experienced in the winter break. But you stuttered before looking down and muttering.

"I can't." This hurt more than anything. The only thing left to do was the one thing I really didn't want to; a clean break.

"Is it because of who I am?" Because I'm a girl.

Silence.

You couldn't even look at me or speak and I felt myself breaking again.

"I can't love you if you don't accept me." Someone was ripping my inside apart. I was losing my soul mate.

"I can try!" You begged then and managed to raise your eyes to mine.

"You already have. But it's obvious it's not enough; I'm not enough." I walked away then even though my feet felt as heavy as concrete slabs. Quinn saw me walking alone and approached me. She didn't even look upset and I felt rage flood through me. I slapped her in the face.

"I hope you're happy." I walked away from her rubbing her red cheek and kept going, deteriorating with every step I took.

You were gone for good this time.


	8. Santana's Interim

**_Santana's Interim_**

I don't care.

This is what I whisper to myself each and every day since the incident. _I don't care. Not anymore. _But inside I know it is a lie.

The words still float around my head and swirl inside of me like a windstorm; it causes so much pain. It's like she's dead but I'm still taunted by the vision of her everywhere I go. Sometimes it isn't my memory, its reality.

_"Is it because of who I am?" _No. It's because of whom people want me to be. But you wouldn't understand, so I stayed in silence.

_"I can't love you if you don't accept me." _That hurt the most.

_"I can try!" _My heart felt as though a fist was gripping it, tearing it into two.

_"You already have. But it's obvious it's not enough; I'm not enough." _She walked away then and I fell down feeling numb. It was weird how two sentences can make you feel from the most searing pain in the world to nothing. I heard a cry from somewhere around me that tore off my heart a little bit more and I wrapped my arms around myself. That's when I realised.

That cry was me.

Sometimes when I see her around I feel myself drift towards her, longing for her comfort. Then I remember what happened and I force myself to back away. _I don't care. _I just want to scream at her.

_Remember me? I once meant everything to you!_

Then I see her smiling and laughing with guys and I don't want to know the answer.

She cried today.

I hate the fact that Brittany is so sensitive. People never know how to react around her whenever she's hurt. That's why she needs me. She's like a flower petal. And I hate it whenever flower petal break apart.

I doubt it was the first time crying, knowing her and it certainly wasn't mine but hearing her break apart hurt. She didn't even know I was there. By the time I had plucked up the courage to help her someone else had come into the toilet in tears. Brittany being Brittany decided to help her. The young girl was smiling and giggling after talking to her and cleaning her face. Brittany always had that effect. It was a gift and a punishment rolled into one.

_I don't care._

Brittany doesn't care about herself anymore.

As her best friend I can tell. As the girl who is trying to accept she loves her, its hell.

But she cares about others. Anybody.

She goes out of her way to save someone from their demons even though she knows she cannot save herself. She even refuses to ask for help.

She believes it's the last part of her humanity left inside of her but I know it's not. Brittany's all that is good in this world and if she loses herself…

I saw Max today. He was walking down the hallway and the moment I caught his eye he ran straight towards me.

"We need to talk. It's about Brittany." Hearing her name was like a sucker punch but I nodded anyway and walked with him to an empty classroom. _Remember, I don't care._

It wasn't until after a few moments of silence when he finally spoke.

"I saw Brittany crying. She told me what happened with you two," he scoffed and I felt my blood start to boil, "Are you really that stupid? Santana, she **loves **you and you're just playing her like this?"_ I don't care._

"You know what; I don't even know why you care? You don't know me so why are you getting involved?"

"Because I like her!"_ I don't care._

"Oh really? Didn't seem like that when you were a jackass to her when you were dating!"

"Don't judge me; at least I never denied my feelings for her or manipulated her!" My breath caught in my throat then and I struggled to get the next words out of my mouth.

"What are you on about?" I whispered.

"It's not cheating if we're girls? Do you know how incredibly stupid that is?"

"She came onto me first! But she felt guilty for cheating so it was the only thing I could think of to stop her from leaving." I was shouting at him now, how dare he judge me when he doesn't even know. "You think you know her but you don't. You don't know anything about how she truly is because she knows you'll never listen and watch.

"You'll never know how sometimes she stays awake till 3am dancing, without even realising how late it's gotten. How she always has to stop and gaze at the rose bush outside her neighbours' house because it's her favourite flower. She can never leave her house without a pen and paper in case she thinks of something she doesn't want to forget. She always wears certain perfumes for different situations because she wants stronger links to the memories. You don't know her and you never will!" _Remember, I don't care._

"Well it seems you lost her anyway. So sort yourself out. She deserves better."

"Santana, you're awfully quiet." My mum commented.

_That's because the only woman I'll ever love hates me._

"Just tired."

"How's Brittany?" Hearing someone else say her name feels like they just splashed me with ice cold water. _I don't care._

"She's fine." She hates me.

"I haven't seen her lately." Stop talking about her mum, please. _I don't care._

I take a deep breath. "That's because she's mad at me." Mother looks up then.

"Why? What have you done?" I look her straight in the eye then. I can do this.

"She believes I won't accept the fact that I'm in love with her. But I am." Shock then rage crosses her face and for one moment I worry she's going to hit me. Then a blank look comes on and she carries on eating.

"We will not have this kind of talk in my house Santana." She refuses to look me in the eye now.

"Why? If it was a guy you'd be fine with me talking about it."

"Well it's not a guy and it is wrong. Now stop mentioning this nonsense."

"Brittany is my best friend and I love her! Why won't you accept that?"

"I've already lost my husband Santana and I will not lose you too! Now stop this childish behaviour. My house, my rules!"

"If you can't accept me then I guess you can't see me either!" I storm out of the house in a rage and start walking. I can hear my mother calling my but I refuse to walk back. This was why I didn't want people to know. They judge and they hurt and I get so tired. All these feelings throwing themselves around in my head; these thoughts.

_You're stupid. Fat. Ugly. Pathetic. Weak. Idiot. Selfish. Low life._

**Alone.**

It's not until I'm outside the front door that I realise I had just walked to Brittany's house. I look up and feel even more pathetic because I can't have her. I'm too greedy. I walk home and stomp straight to my room and fling myself onto my bed. I don't even have the energy to cry.

_I don't care._

_I don't care._

_I don't care._

_I don't_

_I_

I miss Brittany.


	9. Chapter 9

**Loneliness**

**[ Lo-li-ness ]**

**1. The feeling of despair and isolation suffered when you move to another location, have no friends, live alone far from any past family or friends.**

**2. The feeling of constant pain and self-personality criticism due to your situation and social inability to change your situation.**

**3. The aftermath of heartbreak.**

**_It usually leads to death. Whether it is a death of a person, or an emotional death. Either way you lose something so important, so significant you feel like you can't function anymore because you have this big gaping hole inside of you._**

The weeks passed in a blur of loneliness. I had no way of identifying what day it was let alone properly function in every other activity. The days went as followed:

Week One:

Crying

Week Two:

Crying

Week Three:

Anger

Week Four:

Regret

Week Five:

Missing you.

Week Six:

Missing you. Again. Always

Nothing made sense anymore. I was so confused; just a jumble of emotions all swirled together inside a lifeless body. Why? Why did Quinn have to say that? We were happy as we was, I was happy! But then again I fully wasn't. I knew Quinn only wanted to help but she should've stayed out of it.

I spent my days at school with the same people from before. They all assumed we were just arguing like before but Quinn and Dean knew the truth. I never told Quinn I was sorry for smacking her, something I considered and decided I regretted afterwards, but she still stayed with me regardless. Dean was a sweetheart, always making sure I wasn't alone in case I done something I would regret. There was nothing I regret more than letting you go.

At night I would just lay there, crying again as I scanned through my phone for you. Everything in my life was about you and it made me realise that wasn't healthy. But I didn't care. I loved you and I always had a place for you in my life. Apart from now. Because you're gone and I pushed you away and I don't want to be alone anymore.

I would spend hours standing in front of the mirror criticizing my appearance. Something about me made you not want to be with me. I had an okay body, dancing has done wonders but dancing can't rid of the marks. I was chubby when I was younger and after losing the weight so quickly stretch marks began to develop. Not one did I ever tell you I hated them because I only wanted to focus on the good things with you.

I didn't have the prettiest hair, most of the time it was a mess. My eyes were more grey and lifeless now; my skin too pale to be considered socially beautiful. I don't know what you saw in me but all I saw was someone not worth taking the time to know.

I hated myself.

My parents hated the fact that they couldn't help me either. They watched me fall into a dark abyss and they didn't know the way to help me out. My mum held me one night as I lost myself again; all she could do was hold me together and whisper.

"Tell me how to help you." But even I didn't know the answer.

So I decided to take matters into my own hands. In the third week of our separation (I refused to say break up) mum came in with a bowl of ice cream and sat down on my bed with me.

"What happened sweetheart?" Something in her voice made me remember the times when she was my rock and I **needed **to tell her the truth then.

"Santana and I, she, I can't."

"Just say it sweetie, everything will be okay." I knew it would be, my mother loved me.

"Santana won't accept she loves me. During our relationship she never once said it and she didn't want anyone to know, not even you, so I confronted her and she couldn't answer me but I know if I was a guy she would be showing me off like a trophy in public! Why mum? Why does it hurt?" She pulled me to her chest again and soothed me with words of how everything will be okay in the end. Because it always does, right?

Another surprise happened shortly after.

I was walking home after seeing you laugh with Shannon and ignore me. The memory stung a lot more than I would've thought when suddenly I collided with someone.

"I am so sorry! I didn't see you!" I exclaimed before looking up into Max's eyes.

"Brittany." He smiled and it reminded me of the carnival and I missed you so much more. He must've seen my tears because he came closer.

"Wanna go get coffee and talk about it?" I nodded and images of him being nice to me flooded my brain. We walked to the nearest coffee shop in silence and I sat down, staring into the rain. It reminded me of you and how you were once my snowflake, but now you were just rain that I melted trying to keep you for too long then letting go. Max sat down opposite me and I started blowing my drink.

"So how come you're alone? I would've thought Santana would be all over you when you're upset." He chuckled and I looked away, my lip quivering. His face turned into one of realisation and he grabbed my hand.

"What did she do?" So I told him everything after making him swear he could never repeat it. During the whole confession he stayed silent and waited until I was finished talking.

"Vi, that's horrible. You don't deserve that. If she can't be happy with you in public she shouldn't be with you at all."

"My mum said the same but what if it was my fault? What if I pushed her away just because she wasn't ready to be and I was?" He wiped my tears before answering.

"She shouldn't have been so mean about it. She didn't even want to listen to what you had to say! Vi, trust me, this is **not **your fault." I nodded and we embraced each other in a hug. After a few minutes of just standing there together we sat back down and just talked about school.

"How's Shannon?" I asked. Maybe he knew how you were.

"I don't know. I broke up with her a few weeks ago."

"Oh gosh, I'm so sorry!"

"I'm not; she only dated me to make you jealous because you apparently 'stole' Santana from her."

"That girl is crazy!"

"She ratchet!" He winked as I laughed. It had been so long since I laughed and I missed the feeling. Max understood that the only place I had in my heart was for you but he still helped me. At school he never left my side and whenever I saw you he would try to distract me.

If it weren't for him and my mum I would have never got through that period of time. But that still didn't mean I told them about what happened that night shortly after.


	10. Chapter 10

**Heartache**

**[ heart-ache ]**

**1. Emotional pain; the horrible feeling of a black hole sitting in your chest where your heart should be.**

**2. .That gnawing feeling that tells you that you will never love any other as much as you loved the person responsible for your broken heart.**

**3. Usually accompanied by feelings of self-recrimination.**

**_No doctor in the world can fix this type of pain._**

I always hated it when I hear people claim that nobody understands what they're going through. I never believed it. People all around the world are going through so many situations every day so there must be someone out there who's going through something similar. Seven billion people and you claim that you're alone? No; you just feel lonely.

But on the other hand I hate it when people try to compare your sadness with someone else's. _There's always someone who's worse off than you. _I don't care. If you want to compare my unhappiness then maybe I should compare your joy.

The world seemed like such a dark place and I became so cynical when you left. I didn't choose to but you were the only piece of life left inside me so when you let me walk away it was like I blew out the remaining candle. My mum started to worry I was becoming depressed.

I wasn't eating frequently; I couldn't sleep at night. I didn't see a point in doing things I use to love like dancing because it reminded me of you. On the weekends I would just stay in bed, refusing to move. Why should I? We were all going to die anyway.

The moment my mum heard me say that she rushed me to the doctor who diagnosed me with depression. I sighed. Now I had one more thing that I should care about but I didn't. They gave me some pills with instructions to take them every morning. That night my parents started shouting at each other; they blamed each other for what happened but it wasn't their fault. It was mine for believing this world was a place worth living in.

I tried not to talk at school. It got to the point where my throat felt raspy and sore whenever I was made to speak. Max tried to get me to be more open but I refused. He didn't understand I was a lost cause.

One night I scared myself. Mum had just left the kitchen after hugging me tight and telling me **it will get better. **I started washing up and as I picked up the huge rusty knife I stopped for a moment and wondered. Should I just end it all now? No more pain or having to deal with being a burden on my family? Should I?

Before I even answered my question, my dad walked in the room and hugged me too. Not tonight then.

You spoke to me a few days after. I wasn't even expecting anything but suddenly I felt you dragging me to your car.

"We need to talk."

"Why does this sound like a break up?" I asked. You locked the doors and turned to me seriously.

"Brittany, Max spoke to me earlier today. He's worried about you."

"Why would Max speak to you? You two don't even like each other."

"But we both care about you! So I done a little snooping and found these." You reached into your compartment and handed me my pills. I had taken them to school this morning as I was late and took them during first period.

"Britt, why are you on antidepressants?" You looked so concerned and I felt this urge to just tell you everything in my life. Not just my illness but all the silly details like the colour of my socks and what I ate (or tried to eat) for dinner yesterday. But all I could do was start to cry.

"Britt, sweetie, don't cry. Hey, I promise you that I'll do everything in my power to make sure it gets better." You enveloped me into your arms and I just broke down, finally letting my body accept the help it needed. I needed your care.

"I just felt so lost and saw no point in doing anything, not even breathing. My logic was that we're all going to die anyway so what's the point?" You gasped and geld me at arm's length, looking into my eyes.

"Brittany, you listen to me. There is always a point in being alive. I am your reason because you are mine."

"You hurt me so much that I almost hurt myself." I choked out. You started crying then repeating the word sorry over and over again.

"I never meant to Britt, I was so scared! So scared…"

"You don't need to be scared Santana. Be happy, I know whenever I'm with you I am."

"What if I can't find any happiness though? What if I don't deserve any?"

"Then have mine."

It seemed simple then, we would always be the ones to hold the world off each other, and we needed each other. We were made for each other and I'll be damned if I ruined fate's fate's plan again.

It was like this spark electrifies between us; as if we both suddenly understood that. We were soul mates and we always would be. It made sense that we both started to lean in. It seemed natural, like second nature to show you how happy you could be. You paused a fraction away from my lips and looked into my eyes, asking _is this okay?_ I nodded, it would always be okay. The moment we touched I felt like I had a purpose again. I just knew why I was always so happy before and the world was so bright; **you **are my world.

Then it happened.

The knock at the window, the frightened looked on my face reflected by yours as we realised we had just been caught. The anxious turning to look and find out exactly who had just witnessed out private moment.

Shannon stood there, with her arms crossed and a disgusted look on her face. Your face paled and I instantly reached for your hand, telling you everything would be okay with one touch.

"Santana Lopez kissing Brittany Pierce. Huh, I knew there was something off about you two. Wait until everyone finds out about this horrible display I just saw." You looked like a mouse caught in a trap and instantly my mind rushed, worrying about you and how you'd react. This woman was promising to kick you out of the closet and the thought of it made my blood boil. I jumped out from the car and ran over to her side. I gave her my best 'head girl in charge' glare which I learnt from you and Quinn.

"Listen here short stuff, two things are gonna happen. Number one, you will shut up about what you just saw and never speak of it again. Number two, the only thing that's going to come out of your mouth when you talk to Santana is how pretty you think she is. One homophobic comment and that's it."

"What exactly are you planning on doing to me if I don't? You're no exactly the strongest person out there?" She scoffed and I felt you stand behind me then.

"I may not be but I do have a lot of friends who would be willing to go along if I happened to tell them about a little story I heard. _Flasher for a fiver_, I think it had a nice ring." You laughed and she just glared before walking away. After calming down we both turned to look at each other.

"I think we should talk."

"I think so too."

"Wanna get something to eat?"

"I thought you'd never ask." I replied.


	11. Chapter 11

**Truth**

**[ truth ]**

**1. What the world is afraid of. **

**2. The things we hide from ourselves because it changes us, makes us uncomfortable, and awakens us that there are absolutes.**

**3. Something which would probably upset a great many of people if it were known and made public.**

**_The truth will set you free._**

We drove in silence to the same coffee shop that Max and I first went to the last time. Yet this time I was comfortable in this silence; I was feeling quite proud of myself about what I said to Shannon. There was a reason I didn't like that girl and she just proved my instincts were correct. She was a social climber who will knock anyone down.

We sat down with our drinks and I watched as you started to twirl your hair around your finger. You gazed out the window and just observed as the world passed by and I wanted to know what you were thinking at that exact moment.

You turned to me and smiled, holding up one finger indicating for me to wait a moment. You slowly sipped down your drink and I knew you were prolonging the moment before the silence was broken.

"Britt I'm sorry. No matter how many times I say that it's never going to make it better but if I could go back and change it I would."

"I wouldn't." I replied. You stared at me in shock with your mouth open so I continued.

"I think that we both needed this reality check, to truly prove to each other how we feel and if we can deal with this. If we didn't, then we'd probably be stuck in the same cycle and we would have never worked out." You contemplated this for a few seconds, wondering about _what if_'s, until you nodded your head again and drunk some more.

"I told her."

"Who?" I asked.

"My mother." My eyes flashed up to yours and I watched in shock as you looked down, embarrassed but slightly proud.

"What did you tell her?"

"That I was in love with you." And just like that my body fizzled up again and I started smiling; you finally said it out loud and now everything was complete.

"What did she say?" You sighed and angled your body away from me. I grabbed your hand and you squeezed it tight. We were in public doing this and I couldn't help feel giddy.

"She didn't want to hear it. She said she already lost a husband so she didn't want to lose me too."

"Santana, I'm sorry. I wish it could've been better." I started worrying about how upset you must've felt and how I wasn't there to comfort and support you.

"You can make it better, we can try again." You looked so hopeful and I wanted to but we can't always sweep things under the rug.

"I think we should talk about that. Santana, you are an amazing person and I love you with all my heart but you never wanted to listen to what I wanted. It was always about how **you **wanted to stay a secret, or at the beginning when **you **wanted some alone time. I have feelings too and I deserve to be listened to. Even if you don't want to do them can't we compromise? Or at least talk about it?"

"I hear you Britt, I do. And I understand what you're saying so I'll try next time but you can't keep pushing me to do things. You might be really brave and not care what people say but I'm not like that."

"You would just slash them with your vicious words." You smiled but I knew it wasn't your happy special smile.

"I know you wanted to tell someone but I wasn't ready to take that step. It just sometimes seemed like you couldn't understand that. What happened with Shannon was just the start; people are going to make the worst assumptions and say things. I don't know if I can handle that happening to us."

I walked over to you and just wrapped my arms around you. You squeezed me back and I whispered an _okay _before we just stood in silence, entwined together. You asked me if I wanted to have dinner with you that night and I said yes before leaving.

My parents noticed a difference in me immediately. I spent the whole time deciding on what to wear before answering the door to you. My mother welcomed you back with open arms and even my dad hugged you when he thought I wasn't looking. My family loved you like one of my own.

We only went to our restaurant again, and ordered the same meals. It was exactly the same as before yet it felt so different. Like we were just discovering each other. I know I had already said this but something was new; we were so vulnerable and unsure yet also I was never more certain about anything in my life.

At the end of the night I asked if you wanted to sleep round mine, you agreed and we both snuck in before getting changed into our pyjamas. We stood above my bed and I sneaked a peak at you. You wore your special smile and I felt my heart warm. As I turned to face you you brought your hand to stroke my cheek. I felt my blood start to rush to my cheeks and you giggled before leaning your head in again. I placed my hands on your shoulders but neither of us moved again. Could we do this? We both knew how much it hurt us to be apart but being together meant risking that again. Were we ready?

Then I remembered what you said to that girl ages ago.

**_Aléjate de ella. Es mía_****. Stay away from her. She is mine.**

And then I knew, you would always love me and I would risk a thousand moments of pain just for one peaceful moment with you. Always.

I stepped forward and when we collided I saw a whole future with you. Picking out wedding rings, wearing white dresses down the aisle, having kids, sending them to school, grandkids; just spending the rest of our lives together.

We didn't do anything more that night but it was all we needed. I needed you beside me and you needed me to hold you up. If the rest of the world couldn't accept that then we'd find a way to survive. We always did.


	12. Chapter 12

_**So this is it! The final chapter! I'm sad to finish this but also happy; thank you for sticking around. A massive thank you for all the people who followed/favourited the story and also those who left a review. Every single one made me smile :)**_

_**A special thank you to Clara. My sister, my friend and the person who got me through a lot of days! 3**_

_**This one's for you Clara.**_

* * *

**Courage**

**[ cour-age ]**

**1. The ability to confront pain, fear, humiliation, or anything else a person would naturally stay away from.**

**2. Mental Courage encompasses threats, attacks, and discomfort of the mind.**

**3. Physical Courage is pain, hardship, torture, and death.**

**_It is the magic that turns dreams into reality._**

As much as I enjoyed spending the night with you, I couldn't help but wonder how things would change. I wanted to tell someone but frankly I couldn't decide who. Then again, who exactly would you feel comfortable telling? If there was no one you wanted to tell then nothing would've changed and that same problem would still be there.

I spent the whole morning bouncing around, waiting until you were ready to go to school. You laughed at my behaviour but I saw your eyes darting around and knew you were nervous. You denied it though saying as long as we were together then everything would be okay. I believed that and grabbed your hand before we walked to your car.

The journey there was one filled with tension; I waited for you to say something about what we were going to do but it became evident you weren't going to. So I decided to start.

"Who do you want to tell?" You gripped the steering wheel harder until your knuckles turned white. I knew this was a big decision for you since you didn't know all the possible outcomes or how this will affect us.

"Everyone."

My mouth popped open in shock; I was not expecting you to be so brave so quickly.

"Are you sure? Because I'm fine with one person, as long as someone knows."

"But eventually the whole world is going to know so why not get it over and done with?" As brave as you were, you was also incredibly stupid. This is your way of experiencing everything before forgetting it. You done it before for silly events like singing in front of people but this was different.

I didn't know if I was ready to tell everyone. I knew I kept preaching about how I wanted one person to know but an individual friend is different to a whole school of people. But the thought of it also excited me, holding your hand in the hallway, kissing you without having to hide.

"Okay." I nodded. You smiled that special smile at me and I felt butterflies erupt inside me.

"Promise me you'll stick by me the whole way."

"Promise."

"Promise." You said it back and I reached for your hand as we got out of the car. The school had already seen us hold hands so no one gave us a second glance. This was going to be harder than I thought.

"So how do you want to do this?" I asked. I let you be in charge because I knew when you get nervous you want to be in control of everything. That made my life easier since I had absolutely no idea what I wanted to do.

"Follow me." You lead me to the hallway where it was swimming with people already. It wasn't unusual to see so many students floating around before class but suddenly it felt like everyone was staring yet nobody was. If you weren't holding onto my hand at that exact moment I could've sworn I was alone. That was how I felt.

You walked towards the middle and I saw Max, Finn and Quinn standing there talking. I smiled at how they had become good friends and they all waved when they saw me. Max and Finn smiled when they saw us holding hands but Quinn raised her eyebrow, asking if I was okay with this. I held up a finger, indicating for her to wait before turning to you.

"You ready?" You asked. I nodded.

"Always." You took a deep breath before you grabbed my face and kissed me.

You kissed me in public!

People around us stopped talking and I felt their stares burning into me but I didn't care, I just kissed you back and showed everyone how much we loved each other.

When we pulled away I immediately looked at my friends; they were all laughing and smiling whilst Quinn held her thumbs up. She looked so proud. I locked my eyes onto yours and saw a lot of emotions running through them but the main one was happiness.

Then I heard a shout from behind me and felt the smile slip off my face.

"I knew it! God, those two are disgusting!" It was Shannon and she was pointing at us with a repulsed look on her face. My cheeks started to burn with embarrassment. How dare she do this to us? Before you could step forward Quinn towered over her.

"Listen here twiddle ditzy, no one speaks about my friends that way. Frankly you're just jealous that Brittany is with Santana, not you. So unless you want everyone to know I suggest you shut your mouth."

"Know about what?" She scowled at her but I knew for a fact Shannon was frightened of Quinn and the thought of Quinn punching her thrilled me.

"That I heard they opened a new fast food stop just for your finger licking, lard loving, Susan Boyle looking mother. And the reason you're so skinny is because she takes your food before you even have a chance to smell the aroma. Say 'Oink Oink' to your piggy for me." Shannon waltzed off then and I started laughing; the whole idea is ridiculous but only someone like Quinn could make it work.

"It's about time you two got together!" Max looked genuinely happy for us and a part of me felt sad for him; I really hoped he falls in love with an amazing girl.

"Dude, why are you happy? Your ex-girlfriend is a dyke!" It was one of the football team who spoke then and I felt tears pierce my eyes, I never knew how much it would hurt being called a homophobic slur.

I felt you start to lunge forward but Max blocked you with his arm. He smiled at the guy before punching him in the face. A crowd of people clustered around then and I saw Max had a few blood splatters on his hand. The guy was picking himself off the floor when Max spoke.

"She's not a dyke, she's a woman. You ever say anything about her and I promise you that I'll do something worse." You grinned.

"I kinda like this guy." I chuckled back at you finally realising how nice he was before I hugged him and whispered my thanks.

We walked to class then and it seemed as if a lot more people knew than before. Kids I didn't even know were staring and whispering.

"Will this get any easier?" I asked you. You had calmed down now and when we reached my classroom you took my hand again.

"Probably not but we'll get through this together."

"Promise?"

"Promise."

You kissed me again and we were promising it again without speaking.

Sometimes I miss being young, mostly because I had so many days with you and if I had known then what I know now; I would've been bolder. We wasted so many days. But most of the time I don't; we're here now and that's the way it's going to stay. Fate doesn't change for anyone.

**Love**

**[ lo-ve ]**

**1. Nature's way of tricking people into reproducing**

**2. Lust is the desire for their body; love is the desire for their soul.**

**3. Love is giving someone the power to destroy you, and trusting them not to.**

**_It's when you trust the other with your life and when you would do anything for each other. When you love someone you want nothing more than for them to be truly happy no matter what it takes because that's how much you care about them and because their needs come before your own. You hide nothing of yourself and can tell the other anything because you know they accept you just the way you are and vice versa._**

**_It's when they're the last thing you think about before you go to sleep and when they're the first thing you think of when you wake up, the feeling that warms your heart and leaves you overcome by a feeling of serenity. Love involves wanting to show your affection and/or devotion to each other. It's the smile on your face you get when you're thinking about them and miss them._**

**_Love can make you do anything and sacrifice for what will be better in the end. Love is intense, and passionate. Everything seems brighter, happier and more wonderful when you're in love. If you find it, don't let it go._**


End file.
